This post originally appeared in the Blue Line’s 2012 April Fool’s issue.
A recent study of the most popular establishments in Boulder revealed an insidious link between the four factions consuming the most retail space. Boulder Detective Joe Davis broke the case by following a band of innocents as they started the day with coffee which drove them to require several hours of yoga to calm down, which made them so sore they needed a joint, which made them crave the best our local restaurant scene has to offer. “In many cases, all four types of establishments (coffee shops, yoga studios, medical marijuana dispensaries and fine restaurants) were owned by the same person and in the same block,” said Detective Davis. “It’s a perfect business model wherein demand for one product drives desire for the next product in the cycle,” he said.
The Detective noted the gang-like behavior as throngs of devotees blindly roved from location to location, often as a group. Davis was tipped off to the strange behavior when he noticed a slender woman (a.k.a. “victim”) in line in the coffee shop in front of him order a low-foam, extra hot, not-too-sweet, triple-shot dirty Bhakti Chai with half un-sweetend almond milk and half lowfat soy and a third of a shot of sugar-free hazelnut syrup, and not even flinch when the tab was $12. “It just didn’t make sense to me that anybody in their right mind would combine Bhakti Chai with hazelnut,” notes Davis. “That’s what tipped us off.”
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