News, Analysis and Opinion for the Informed Boulder Resident
Saturday March 25th 2023

Support the Blue Line

Subscribe to the Blue Line

That's what she said

city council transportation energy municipalization xcel housing urban planning april fools bicycles climate action density election 2011 affordable housing boulder county open space election renewables agriculture CU local food climate change election 2013 development youth jefferson parkway pedestrian election 2015 preservation Rocky Flats election 2017 recreation BVSD mountain bikes immigration boards and commissions plan boulder farming fracking GMOs transit urban design decarbonization planning board fires colorado politics wildlife land use smart regs downtown architecture new era colorado transit village parking homeless journalism plutonium natural gas ghgs commuting radioactive waste rental coal height limits taxes april fools 2015 walkability historic preservation energy efficiency historic district Neighborhoods diversity zoning population growth growth students North Boulder flood arts gardens education University Hill water supply bus election 2010 solar election 2018 nutrition RTD sprawl water quality election 2012 groundwater bike lane electric utility safety library april fools 2016 renewable energy affairs of the heart organic flood plain wetlands planning reserve zero waste mayor blue line electric vehicle ballot right-sizing street design transportation master plan obama hazardous waste county commissioners politics hogan-pancost longmont colorado legislature climate smart loan diagonal plaza campaign finance flood mitigation bears Mapleton solar panels PV recycling comprehensive plan golden conservation easement epa boulder junction pesticide congestion food drought road diet oil bus rapid transit commercial development inequality election 2016 flooding planning daily camera public health community cycles BVCP ecocycle Newlands automobile PUC climate change deniers children david miller ken wilson sam weaver community league of women voters wind power public spaces boulder creek crime mlk civil rights west tsa marijuana technology arizona Orchard Grove EV green points al bartlett Whittier city attorney

Conflict Over Development Continues—43 Reported Dead


By

M*A*S*H unit west of 4th and Grape

Skirmishes continued this week between the Suburbanist army and rebel Urbanists, as their ideological battle over competing ideals for Boulder’s urban design showed no signs of abating.  Heavy shelling was reported in the Boulder Junction area, as well as sporadic clashes near downtown and around the Armory site.  The renewed fighting put the latest cease-fire, negotiated by foreign ministers from Longmont and Lafayette, in danger of collapse.

Combined casualties from the latest round of fighting were put at 43 dead, 140 injured.

SUV-borne Suburbanist troops continue to enjoy the advantage of heavier weaponry.  But they tend to get stuck in traffic jams, where they fall prey to Urbanists traveling on foot or by bicycle.

Suburbanist army colonel Gary Stamples, speaking by satellite phone from an army base in Table Mesa, claimed his forces had the advantage following their stunning victory last year in the battle for Baseline Zero.  “Lot by lot, we are building parking lots, widening roads, until [Urbanists] have no place to hide,” he said.

But a rebel commandant who would only give her nom de guerre, “Mystery,” who was taking a break from the fighting to drink coffee at the Laughing Goat and work on her laptop, said that Urbanists had the strategic advantage.  Sporting black jeans and a Rapha shirt, she called Suburbanists “dying geezers” who were losing a demographic war.  “Every time one croaks, we’re going to Googleplex their house,” she taunted.

Both sides in the conflict have received support from outside powers.  Suburbanists have reportedly received covert aid from Houston and Atlanta, and Urbanists have launched attacks from bases in San Francisco.

Some journalists reporting on the conflict also received a communiqué from the Rabid Exurbanist splinter group claiming to control territory in Keewaydin Meadows.  At press time, observers were trying to determine the whereabouts of Keewaydin Meadows and whether anyone cares.


This post originally appeared in the 2015 April Fool’s issue of the Blue Line.

Rate this article: 1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (3 votes, average: 5.00 out of 5)
Loading...