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Friday December 9th 2022

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That's what she said

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Columnists to Duel


by hmerinomx (flickr commons)

Preparations have begun for a duel between Steve Pomegranate and Bob Greenleaf.  Not the duel of words between these two columnists that plays out Sundays on the editorial pages of the local newspaper.  No, it has now come down to an old-west style duel with real dueling pistols.

The matched set of pistols will be loaned by the Historical Museum.  “We’re not sure how reliable these guns will be,” stated Museum director Edith Vestige, “But these two characters–I mean, community leaders–have gotten used to not being very accurate, and they often misfire.”

On the dueling field, Mr. Greenleaf will be stationed to the far right, and Mr. Pomegranate to the far left.  “They may be a little too far apart to inflict much damage on each other,” stated erstwhile political commentator Eric Cares.

An example of the irreconcilable differences between the men appeared in recent Sunday newspaper editorials, in which Mr. Greenleaf opposed a TMF (Transportation Maintenance Fee) if it is used for “social engineering” (achieving other “politically correct” ends), and Mr. Pomegranate supported a proposed TMF if it indeed is used for “social engineering.”  And to clarify, the city staff proposes that a TMF will not be used for “social engineering,” unless it is.

Neither man wants to be killed, of course. Mr. Pomegranate confided to this reporter that he is counting on Congress to enact the relevant gun controls before the duel.  Mr. Greenleaf confided to this reporter that he knows that dueling was made illegal long ago, but he doubts that Mr. Pomegranate knows this, stating, “liberals rarely check what’s in the Constitution or statutes.”

Asked whether Greenleaf and Pomegranate are serious about the duel, newspaper editor Kevin Kaufman said, “I sure hope so. Editorials never solve anything.”

This post originally appeared in the 2013 April Fool’s edition of the Blue Line.

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