by otakuchick (flickr commons)
Ascendancy Fashion Magazine has given the top prize once again to Boulder, Colorado. “Its sense of haute couture is beyond compare,” said Tracey Klugian, spokesperson for the annual contest, which rates style and panache in cities across the globe. “Paris has nothing on us,” proclaimed local resident Gaia Alchemy. “Mind, Body and Spirit are interrelated in Boulder, and that gives us our esoteric edginess.” Editor of Ascendancy, Sassy Elle, praised Boulder residents for their “easy outdoors, casual look and obvious athleticism combined with such a deft sense of fashion, function and style.”
To underscore how keenly Boulder has honed its trend-setting standard of design, Martin Park was lauded for its historic and timeless architecture. “Our own ‘Martian Acres’ will be remembered for aesthetics that can be rivaled only by the dignity, imagination and vitality of such icons as the Parthenon or the Eiffel Tower,” boasted Boulder Mayor Matt Appelbaum.
Celebratory events for the prestigious award included an exclusive fashion show and contest for the best dressed resident of Boulder. First Place was won by Swami Gnostic Theosophy. She was wearing a stunning turquoise North Face Felton Triclimate 3-in-1 Insulated Jacket, accentuated by her fuchsia Alpine Bod Climbing Harness by Black Diamond.
While he looked fetching, as if he’d been camping with grizzlies for 6 months, contestant Luke Chrisco, the alleged “potty peeper” who is accused of hiding in a portable toilet at a Boulder yoga festival last year to spy on women, was disqualified for cheating when he was discovered peering into the women’s dressing room to see what his competition was wearing.
The highlight of the night was the presentation of two lucky prairie dogs plucked from obscurity to unveil REI’s new Vibrams 5 Fingers Shoes for Rodents. Their outfits included chic protective gardening hats that allow them to be above ground for hours without needing to reapply their organic mango papaya sunscreen with SPF 2000.
Unfortunately, a protest group of farmers showed up and shot the rising stars, and their closest 100 relatives who were in the audience, with rifles equipped with grandfathered 500 round magazines. Their end was swift, as the shooting was over in less than 15 seconds.
All was not lost for the evening though. Local celebrity chef Hosea Rosenberg served the prairie dogs roasted over fennel-vanilla purée, topped with balsamic reduction, almonds and orange segments, accompanied by freshly harvested organic, non-GMO beets with elderberry gastrique, caramelized onions, roasted potato Napoleon, grapefruit mustard, fresh oregano folded with local goat cheese and tempura parsnips with onion scape ragout.
This post originally appeared in the 2013 April Fool’s edition of the Blue Line.
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