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Saturday April 20th 2019

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That's what she said

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Local Man Undergoes Brain Surgery to Receive “Boulder Values”


As a known skeptic of many municipal spending and management priorities, long-time Boulder resident Jeff Schulz recently underwent brain surgery in order to receive “Boulder Community Values” that are deemed important by both city and county leaders. “It was really an effort to better comprehend what it means to be a good Boulder citizen,” Schulz said about his decision to undergo the newly-available procedure. He explained that, “While I very much appreciate their willingness to serve, as a regular Joe Taxpayer, I have felt almost totally unrepresented by most members at the upper levels of our municipal organizations mostly because I just didn’t have the correct thought processes.”


For example, prior to surgery, Schulz would be liable to say something like: “Boulder has become very crowded in the last few years and traffic is now absolute mayhem, tell me again why I need to subsidize more people to live here?” Or, “I think it’s a good idea to help people from Boulder County who have fallen on hard times, but I really don’t see why we need to welcome every hard-luck case from around the entire country to stay here. Can’t we at least stop catering to hardcore criminals and sex predators from out of town?”

The Chief Neurologist for Schulz’s case was Dr. Suzanne Jones who stated that, “Jeff was obviously suffering from a general lack of compassion and, thankfully, we were able to correct his deficiency through a five-hour medical procedure.” Attending neurologist Dr. Appelbaum also extolled the virtues of the upgrade to Schulz’s outlook by stating that, “With his expanded compassion, Jeff now sees the upside of deferring as much infrastructure spending as possible and putting those tens of millions of dollars into municipal programs that will eliminate all inequity within a 1,000 mile radius of Boulder.” Dr. Cowles, another neurologist involved with developing the protocol for the procedure, stated that, “Unfortunately, Mr. Schulz’s case is not isolated. Now that we own the former hospital, we will be able to update the facility to house not just Council Chambers, but also our specialized on-call Neurological Upgrade Center to address these types of cases very quickly.”

This post originally appeared in the 2016 April Fool’s issue of the Blue Line.

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