News, Analysis and Opinion for the Informed Boulder Resident
Monday September 16th 2019

Support the Blue Line

Subscribe to the Blue Line

That's what she said

city council transportation energy municipalization xcel housing urban planning april fools bicycles climate action density election 2011 affordable housing boulder county open space election renewables agriculture CU local food climate change election 2013 development youth jefferson parkway pedestrian election 2015 preservation Rocky Flats election 2017 recreation BVSD mountain bikes immigration boards and commissions plan boulder farming fracking GMOs transit urban design decarbonization planning board fires colorado politics wildlife land use smart regs downtown architecture new era colorado transit village parking homeless journalism plutonium natural gas ghgs commuting radioactive waste rental coal height limits taxes april fools 2015 walkability historic preservation energy efficiency historic district Neighborhoods diversity zoning population growth growth students North Boulder flood arts gardens education University Hill water supply bus election 2010 solar election 2018 nutrition RTD sprawl water quality election 2012 groundwater bike lane electric utility safety library april fools 2016 renewable energy affairs of the heart organic flood plain wetlands planning reserve zero waste mayor blue line electric vehicle ballot right-sizing street design transportation master plan obama hazardous waste county commissioners politics hogan-pancost longmont colorado legislature climate smart loan diagonal plaza campaign finance flood mitigation bears Mapleton solar panels PV recycling comprehensive plan golden conservation easement epa boulder junction pesticide congestion food drought road diet oil bus rapid transit commercial development inequality election 2016 flooding planning daily camera public health community cycles BVCP ecocycle Newlands automobile PUC climate change deniers children david miller ken wilson sam weaver community league of women voters wind power public spaces boulder creek crime mlk civil rights west tsa marijuana technology arizona Orchard Grove EV green points al bartlett Whittier city attorney

Local Man Undergoes Brain Surgery to Receive “Boulder Values”


By

As a known skeptic of many municipal spending and management priorities, long-time Boulder resident Jeff Schulz recently underwent brain surgery in order to receive “Boulder Community Values” that are deemed important by both city and county leaders. “It was really an effort to better comprehend what it means to be a good Boulder citizen,” Schulz said about his decision to undergo the newly-available procedure. He explained that, “While I very much appreciate their willingness to serve, as a regular Joe Taxpayer, I have felt almost totally unrepresented by most members at the upper levels of our municipal organizations mostly because I just didn’t have the correct thought processes.”

brainsm

For example, prior to surgery, Schulz would be liable to say something like: “Boulder has become very crowded in the last few years and traffic is now absolute mayhem, tell me again why I need to subsidize more people to live here?” Or, “I think it’s a good idea to help people from Boulder County who have fallen on hard times, but I really don’t see why we need to welcome every hard-luck case from around the entire country to stay here. Can’t we at least stop catering to hardcore criminals and sex predators from out of town?”

The Chief Neurologist for Schulz’s case was Dr. Suzanne Jones who stated that, “Jeff was obviously suffering from a general lack of compassion and, thankfully, we were able to correct his deficiency through a five-hour medical procedure.” Attending neurologist Dr. Appelbaum also extolled the virtues of the upgrade to Schulz’s outlook by stating that, “With his expanded compassion, Jeff now sees the upside of deferring as much infrastructure spending as possible and putting those tens of millions of dollars into municipal programs that will eliminate all inequity within a 1,000 mile radius of Boulder.” Dr. Cowles, another neurologist involved with developing the protocol for the procedure, stated that, “Unfortunately, Mr. Schulz’s case is not isolated. Now that we own the former hospital, we will be able to update the facility to house not just Council Chambers, but also our specialized on-call Neurological Upgrade Center to address these types of cases very quickly.”


This post originally appeared in the 2016 April Fool’s issue of the Blue Line.

Rate this article: 1 Star2 Stars3 Stars4 Stars5 Stars (4 votes, average: 4.25 out of 5)
Loading...

What do you think? Leave a comment!

You must be logged in to post a comment.