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Wednesday May 22nd 2019

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That's what she said

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Conflict Over Development Continues—43 Reported Dead


By

M*A*S*H unit west of 4th and Grape

Skirmishes continued this week between the Suburbanist army and rebel Urbanists, as their ideological battle over competing ideals for Boulder’s urban design showed no signs of abating.  Heavy shelling was reported in the Boulder Junction area, as well as sporadic clashes near downtown and around the Armory site.  The renewed fighting put the latest cease-fire, negotiated by foreign ministers from Longmont and Lafayette, in danger of collapse.

Combined casualties from the latest round of fighting were put at 43 dead, 140 injured.

SUV-borne Suburbanist troops continue to enjoy the advantage of heavier weaponry.  But they tend to get stuck in traffic jams, where they fall prey to Urbanists traveling on foot or by bicycle.

Suburbanist army colonel Gary Stamples, speaking by satellite phone from an army base in Table Mesa, claimed his forces had the advantage following their stunning victory last year in the battle for Baseline Zero.  “Lot by lot, we are building parking lots, widening roads, until [Urbanists] have no place to hide,” he said.

But a rebel commandant who would only give her nom de guerre, “Mystery,” who was taking a break from the fighting to drink coffee at the Laughing Goat and work on her laptop, said that Urbanists had the strategic advantage.  Sporting black jeans and a Rapha shirt, she called Suburbanists “dying geezers” who were losing a demographic war.  “Every time one croaks, we’re going to Googleplex their house,” she taunted.

Both sides in the conflict have received support from outside powers.  Suburbanists have reportedly received covert aid from Houston and Atlanta, and Urbanists have launched attacks from bases in San Francisco.

Some journalists reporting on the conflict also received a communiqué from the Rabid Exurbanist splinter group claiming to control territory in Keewaydin Meadows.  At press time, observers were trying to determine the whereabouts of Keewaydin Meadows and whether anyone cares.


This post originally appeared in the 2015 April Fool’s issue of the Blue Line.

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