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Friday August 23rd 2019

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That's what she said

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Manning to Head Boulder’s Electrical Utility


This post originally appeared in the Blue Line’s 2012 April Fool’s issue.

The City of Boulder has announced that it has hired Peyton Manning to be Executive Director of Energy Strategy and Electric Utility Development.  City Manager Jane Brautigam said that Manning was willing to take the position for a salary of just $1 million a year, since the Broncos have already signed him to a 5 year contract paying $96 million.

“Manning is an outstanding athlete, human being, and team player,” Brautigam commented. “He’s got street cred and will give this program the kind of visibility it needs.” She acknowledged that she did not know whether he had any experience supervising an electrical utility. But she commented, “Hey, he’s a Super Bowl MVP. If he could beat the Bears, Xcel doesn’t stand a chance.”

Brautigam claimed not to be concerned about Manning’s recent neck injuries. “All we really need him to do is sit in his armchair, give his employees orders, and occasionally sign autographs for particularly good customers,” she said.

Nevertheless, Brautigam noted with admiration Manning’s legendary arm strength, remarkable passing accuracy, and passionate interest in utility management. She asserted that if the employees of the electrical utility decide to field an intramural football team, she hoped that Manning would be willing to play quarterback and lead the group to a league championship. “An intramural league trophy like that would be an outstanding addition to the utility’s reception area,” she said.

Manning’s agent, James Ampere, has said that Manning is a fan of renewable energy. “He’s just crazy about it,” Ampere said at a news conference last week. “If he suspects his electricity may have been generated by a coal-fired power plant, he won’t even plug in his electric shaver.”

Brautigam expressed the hope that enthusiasm for Manning might motivate customers even outside of the City of Boulder to sign up for its electrical utility service. “He’s got the potential to really expand our customer base,” she said. “Who wouldn’t want to buy electricity from Peyton Manning?” she asked. “He’s one of the greatest football players and energy economists of all time.” Brautigam suggested that Xcel Energy might be so alarmed by Manning’s potential impact on its business that it will drop its claims for “stranded costs” against the city.

Brautigam refused to comment on whether angry fans of former Bronco starting QB Tim Tebow and/or Christian conservatives might cut-off their electrical service from the city in protest of Manning’s displacement of Tebow.

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